Patriots Day – The event that brought me to loathe Rolling Stone magazine, as we watched the bomber glorified for arguably the most significant attack on American soil since September 11th. So many people across this country run these marathons to inspire hope and show that the American spirit endures. And on April 15th, 2013, some terrorist (who was under the watch of the NSA) somehow managed to cripple, but not end, one of the longest running American staples, the Boston Marathon. Mark Wahlberg has been a part of some very patriotic and uplifting films, and it makes me proud to know that some people in Hollywood still aren’t afraid to show their support for this nation that provides them so much.
Finding Dory – When I first heard about this, we were told this would be a journey where Dory finds her lost family. But, I heard that some “fan suggestions” (which are really starting to grind my gears) flipped the script a bit and based on these suggestions a whole new ending was written. Now, I see that the setting is a theme park. I am remaining cautiously optimistic, as Finding Nemo is my second favorite Disney animated film.
Popstar – With IMOGEN POOTS! (Her name is a fart) Holy insane shit balls, The Lonely Island crew have been hard at work creating this one, with everything you’ve come to expect from them and a lot more. I started following them on Snapchat just to see what kind of crazy crap they post, and they don’t disappoint there. We are big fans of Andy Samberg, and if you haven’t watched 7 Days in Hell on HBO, you need to get on that before you get on anything else.
Sausage Party – As a former Publix stockboy, this film touches me right in the bottom of my tomato crushing heart. Nah, it looks hilariously mean-spirited. Can’t wait to sink my teeth into this adult cartoon and share the laughter as my friends and I pig out on food, with the knowledge that it is all suffering horribly.
X-Men: Apocalypse – A giant purple god comes to town looking to prove he’s the original mutant, Professor X says, uhm, bag that shit, Egg Plant! X-MEN: APOCALYPSE!
The Infiltrator – Bryan Cranston stars alongside John Leguizamo in the greatest drug bust of the twentieth century, as an FBI undercover agent assigned to bring down Pablo Escobar at the behest of the highest authority in our country. I am a major fan of Cranston’s since Breaking Bad, and I am always hungry for his good work. Some I can wait to see, some I can’t. Think I can wait to see this one? Yea, no way! This is very close to home . . . that’s all I am saying. THE INFILTRATOR
BFG – I don’t know what it says about me that I originally thought that stood for something not so PG, but now I know that this Spielberg directed blockbuster is a story about a girl and her benevolent giant. It has been getting high critical praise as you might expect of a Roald Dahl adapted film. Will this be as awe inspiring as say a little awkward alien film was for my generation? BFG
Nerve – Emma Roberts and Dave Franco together, with some serious adrenaline pumping action, asking us all are you a watcher or a player? What’s at stake when a game becomes something sinister and all too real? I’m excited to see how this one turns out! NERVE
The Accountant – Ben Affleck plays a savant, possibly autistic personality who uses his “powers” for evil, and he crosses paths with Anna Kendrick. I am a fan of Affleck behind the camera, but this does look decent. THE ACCOUNTANT
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates – Holy long ass titles, but, this does look funny as shit. I really pray they didn’t drop all the best stuff in this red band trailer though. It’s a clever plot, two asshole guys decide to straighten-up and get decent dates for their sister’s wedding, and go on TV looking for dates . . . to Hawaii. They get more than they bargained for when they meet their female mirrors, who are just trying to get a free trip to the volcanic islands. MIKE AND DAVE NEED A SHORTER TITLE
Inferno – I think I have read all of Dan Brown’s books, for sure all of the Robert Langdon series. While Inferno wasn’t my favorite of them, it wasn’t terrible. But, hey, can we talk about how awesome Tom Hanks’ coiffure is in this one? Thank God he finally got the stupid haircut memo. The only real beef I ever have with the Langdon films is his damned hair. There is plenty of action in this book, and the stakes are the highest they have ever been . . . just humanity! INFERNO
Jason Bourne – I mean, Jason Boring. Sorry, I might be one of the few people who just doesn’t give a rat’s red ass about these films. I am no fan of Matt Damon these days, and these Bourne films are a circle-jerk psittacism. I don’t care about this character, but I did hear that the Jeremy Renner flick was decent. Still, if you are in love with Matt Damon, by all means, have at it. JASON BOURNE
The Tribe – Not sure what to make out of this film, and that is actually the way I like it. I can’t stand when a trailer shows you key aspects of the story or punchlines and the like. With this trailer, I can’t figure out much other than these people really don’t want house guests. If suspense is your thing, looks like The Tribe is going to deliver. THE TRIBE
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows – The first one of these so over-the-top ridiculous, that I am not expecting much more from the sequel. How they convinced Stephen Amell to be in this and play Casey Jones is beyond anyone’s guess. My problems with the first movie had a lot to do with how these turtles and the villains looked like a craptacular version of the Power Rangers. I am setting the entertainment bar lower than a krang slug on this one. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS
Angry Birds – I didn’t start out a fan of the game, but once I downloaded it, I was addicted . . . just like everyone else. And when they expanded to Star Wars, I basically forfeited my life over to these little pigs and birds. When I heard about a full-length feature film, I was immediately thrilled. Plus, some of my favorite actors are in this. I will be surprised if this one isn’t a hit, just like the games! ANGRY BIRDS
Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children – Looks a bit familiar, eh? Some X-Men rip-off for the millennials, no doubt? Eva Green always looks one second away from homicidal tendencies, so it should be interesting to see how she handles this role. Tim Burton is directing, so it’s probably not going to suck, but will it be anything beyond just a peculiar fancy? MISS PEREGRINE’S HOME FOR PECULIAR CHILDREN
Green Room – It’s Captain Picard, trying really hard not to be Captain Picard. He traps some punk band that can’t even get gigs in his home and murders them, apparently. I am sure the title will come into play. GREEN ROOM
The Lobster – some shitter that forces people to fall in love or become animals, starring who gives a fuck and what’s his face from Adult Swim. THE LOBSTER from A24 Films, they are so edgy and they want you to know it, that’s how fucking cool they are!
Bunny The Killer Thing – This is the kind of shit I get asked to review, on Easter no less! About a guy dressed as a rabbit running around with a dildo searching for pussy. The trailer is mature, as in you probably shouldn’t even click here . . . at all! BUNNY THE KILLER THING from Artsploitation Films – these guys kinda make me wish I never became a critic.
Deep Water Horizon – I watched this crappy movie about this event last year, with Nic Cage, or Nick Cage, or Nicholas Cage, yea, he has an Oscar, so what? Anyway, it sucked, it was terrible, a stain on that event! Seeing the cast of this one though, Holy Shit! And, yea, I am the guy who Wahlberg stared down at the Pain & Gain presser for some reason because I was eyeballing his iced hand after he got stung at a party in South Beach. But, he got me back when I asked Michael Bay what it was like to shoot in Miami. Fucking poser! So, here’s the trailer for DEEP WATER HORIZON!
Some Other Bullshit – coming soon!