Wachowskis Descending
Written & Directed by: Lana Wachowski & Andy Wachowski
Starring: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Sean Bean, Douglas Booth, Tuppence Middleton
The H-Bomb: Every once in a great while, an emerging filmmaker will come along with a work so incredible, that we, the audience, know that we haven’t merely seen a great movie, we’ve witnessed the arrival of a unique new talent. A perfect example would be Quentin Tarantino with Reservoir Dogs, or Christopher Nolan with Memento. Their breakthrough films were a promise of great things to come, and in this humble reviewer’s opinion, both of these directors delivered on that promise in spades. Then we have M. Night Shyamalan, whose breakthrough film, The Sixth Sense, was also so tremendous it left us eagerly awaiting his next picture. However, in the years that followed, his films would only become progressively worse, to the point where Shyamalan’s name is now synonymous with shitty movies, and his early success is regarded as a fluke.
Among the other filmmakers of this generation were Lana and Andy Wachowski, whose first two features, the lesbian themed neo-noir, Bound, and their sci-fi action epic, The Matrix, firmly placed them in the Tarantino/Nolan camp. The Matrix, in particular, was a groundbreaking, game-changing smash that became more than a movie, it became an all out cultural phenomenon. I couldn’t wait to see what they would do next, and I’m fairly certain I wasn’t the only one. Then in 2003, the Wachowskis released their back-to-back Matrix sequels, and holy hell, the disappointment was as profound as it was utterly crushing. They were boring, ponderous piles of shit. They were so bad, they actually soured my feelings for the original.
After royally fucking up their one-time masterpiece, the Wachowskis took a five year hiatus before returning with a live action adaptation of Speed Racer. In its favor, it was visually stunning… and that was really about all it had going for it. Despite the pretty pictures, the writing and acting were so terrible that the film was unbearable, and I shut it off twenty minutes in. In 2012, they teamed up with Run Lola Run director Tom Tykwer for Cloud Atlas, an admirably ambitious effort that strove for greatness, and fell considerably short. Now, the Wachowskis are coming at us with yet another science fiction opus, Jupiter Ascending, and after sitting through all 127 tedious minutes of it, I can safely say that these siblings have become more Shyamalan than Shyamalan himself. Ugghh…
Let’s see if I can summarize this lumbering, garbled mess of a movie without putting everyone to sleep. Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is an illegal alien (har-har, get it?) working as a maid in Chicago. Her life is mundane, uneventful, and much like Luke Skywalker toiling away on his uncle’s farm, she feels like she’s destined for greater things. One day, for reasons far too retarded to explain, she goes into a doctor’s office for surgery, when she is attacked by a band of nasty extraterrestrials. Luckily for her, she’s rescued at the last moment by the half-human, half-dog space warrior, Caine Wise (Channing Tatum).
From there, Jupiter discovers that not only did humanity not originate on Earth, but that she herself is part of a royal bloodline from beyond the stars. Before she has a chance to absorb all this, she finds herself at the center of a vast intergalactic conflict between the sinister Abrasax siblings, Balem (Eddie Redmaune), Titus (Douglas Booth), and Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), who are vying for control of our planet. Their interest in Earth is purely nefarious, and now it is up to our space princess and her ever loyal dog-boy to stop them. Sounds pretty goddamn stupid, doesn’t it? Trust me, you have no idea…
When Jupiter Ascending was dumped like a gigantic taco turd into theaters this past February, it tanked fast and hard, and was regarded as yet another miss for the Wachowskis. Still, I had hopes. Amid the sea of negative reviews, there were a handful of positive ones that were quite enthusiastic, championing the film as being misunderstood, and damn near brilliant. Having now seen it for myself, I can confidently assure you that there is nothing brilliant about Jupiter Ascending, nor is it in any way misunderstood. To put it plainly, it fucking sucks. Period.
Much like Speed Racer, it is a visual spectacle. An orgy of eye candy. The cityscapes and space imagery are nothing short of stunning. Cinematographer John Toll and the visual effects artists deserve all the praise in the world, for they did an incredible job polishing this turd, making it the shiniest turd in the galaxy. The visuals alone make the film worth viewing in HD, just mute the volume and imagine a story in your head as you watch it… in all likelihood, whatever story you imagine will be a vast improvement over the film’s actual plot. And that is what kills this movie, the story, which is a woefully uninteresting barrage of clunky expository dialogue about intergalactic commerce and how the bad guys want to control it. I suppose it’s meant as a slam against capitalism (which has totally never been done before), but is a colossal bore to listen to. It’s like a shittier version of The Phantom Menace, which I didn’t believe was bloody possible.
But surely the action scenes compensate for the dull, derivative intrigue. I mean, that’s something the Wachowskis have demonstrated in the past they can do, and do well. After all, The Matrix, with its high flying stunt work and bullet-time effects, set a new standard for action cinema. This time, though, instead of setting a standard, the Wachowskis merely follow a standard, with action sequences that look as though they were either lifted from Star Wars or one of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man flicks. Creatures zooming around, bouncing all over the screen, firing lasers at each other. Nothing impressive, or engaging, or exciting, just a shitload of lights and noise. Half the time I couldn’t tell who was chasing or shooting at who, and the other half, I was so damn bored I didn’t care.
If there’s anything that could salvage this convoluted cluster-fuck, it would be the performances. Unfortunately, the actors do nothing to elevate the shit material they have to work with. Kunis is easy on the eyes, and an overall decent actress, but she simply does not have the presence or gravitas of a Natalie Portman, or an Anne Hathaway, and she cannot carry a film on her own. She has absolutely no chemistry with Tatum, who’s as wooden as a plank here, and her romantic banter with him is cringe inducing, “I have more in common with a dog than I have with you.” “I love dogs. I’ve always loved dogs.” Holy fuck! Seriously???
Sean Bean can usually class up any joint he’s in, though in this his character is little more than an exposition dump, and he looks just as bored delivering his flat-as-a-fucking-pancake dialogue as the audience is listening to it. Then there’s our villain, Academy Award winner Redmayne, giving what is possibly the worst performance I have ever seen from an Academy Award winning actor. With his weird, throaty whisper, and penchant for loud, abrupt outbursts, he singlehandedly turns the movie into high camp every time he’s on camera. He is absolutely terrible, however, he’s that special kind of terrible that’s fun to watch, thusly his scenes in the film are the only ones that have any kind of entertainment value at all.
And with that, I shall close my review of Jupiter Ass-ending, as it is a cruddy, boil-ridden ass of a motion picture, duller than a mound of dirt, and entirely unworthy of anyone’s time. The Wachowskis once showed genuine promise of becoming two of the great filmmakers of their generation, but somewhere along the way, they got stuck in the creative muck, and have been spinning their wheels ever since. This tedious, long-winded space opera makes After Earth look like an unheralded masterpiece, and cements my belief that the Wachowskis truly are more Shyamalan than Shyamalan.
