“I curse you with life.”
Directed by: Breck Eisner
Written by: Cory Goodman, Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless
Cast: Vin Diesel, Rose Leslie, Elijah Wood, Michael Caine
Swift shot: You ever start watching a movie and think you have it figured out? It just makes sense it is going to play out a certain way, and then it completely fools you? That’s what happened to me with The Last Witch Hunter. There were these little clues that made me think I could see the reveal coming from a mile away, and I got fooled! Maybe that is why I was so entertained by this original Vin Diesel fantasy. Supposedly it’s loosely based on one of his favorite D&D characters, a dark elf witch hunter named Melkor. You have to respect a Dungeons & Dragons nerd getting to play out a character with a huge Hollywood budget. I certainly got a kick out of that, and isn’t Vin just a big kid who gets to do what he loves? That’s pretty awesome.
Kaulder (Diesel) has been cursed with eternal life, after an encounter with the brutal Witch Queen 800 years ago. The Witch Queen wrought a terrible plague onto mankind, for living in “stacked stone dwellings, in their own filth.” I am paraphrasing her Highness here, but she is definitely a green queen, her agenda is to destroy humanity and engulf the Earth in a world of green, not unlike the plot of Troll, actually. But, this witch is no troll, she’s a cunning and nasty character who has a not so subtle H. R. Giger homage thrown into her design. If you are familiar with the Aliens queen, you’ll notice it immediately. She traps Kaulder into a life-time of servitude as “The Weapon” for the secret society of witch hunters called The Axe and Cross.
As he’s been around for almost a thousand years, Kaulder has needed help along the way, and that help has come in the form of Dolans. These are priests that have been tasked with chronicling the exploits of The Weapon. The current Dolan is the 36th, played by Michael Caine. And oddly it never got old hearing Kaulder refer to him as “kid” throughout the film. One imagines that Caine was calling Diesel kid on set, so this little jab at the classic thespian was droll.
Over the years, there has been an uneasy peace between the witches of the world and The Axe and Cross. Now, instead of slaying witches outright, Kaulder brings the witches to the Witches Council, where they are tried and sentenced to eternal imprisonment and this freaky sentinel creature carries them away to some dark, horrible place. Things have been going according to plan, but Dolan 36th (Caine) is getting old and wants to retire. He introduces Kaulder to his successor, Dolan 37th (Wood). Dolan 37th is eager to replace the relic, as he still uses something called “pay-per” and refuses to get with the twenty-first century. But, on the night Dolan 36th was to retire, he . . . expires. Kaulder knows that is pretty rare and begins an investigation into how his friend really died.
Kaulder’s investigation reminded me of Men In Black, as he reveals the hidden world of witches, just under the surface of our reality. But, there was very little levity in The Last Witch Hunter. It wasn’t campy, it took itself pretty seriously, and maybe it could have used a few more laughs. But, Kaulder is on a deadly mission to hunt down whoever is threatening the balance of the enduring peace. He doesn’t have much time to be coy, folks!
Along the way, Kaulder enlists the help of Chloe (Leslie) a reluctant dream walker witch that begins to see him as less a weapon and more as a dedicated soldier who actually cares about what he does. She had been raised to fear “The Weapon” her entire life, but she quickly realizes, like most legends, he’s just a man. Granted, he is a man that can’t be killed. As one of the baddies puts it to him, you aren’t very brave going into a bar fight knowing you can’t be hurt. Ouch! Still, the film would be boring if they didn’t make him vulnerable. The entire plot of the rogue witches is exactly that, finding a way to kill Kaulder and bring about the destruction of mankind.
Together Kaulder and Chloe have to piece together the conspiracy and reveal the true architect of the evil that is upon them.
I actually enjoyed this film, but it wasn’t without its faults. Chiefly, the way Kaulder uses a shotgun and a sword to vanquish certain characters took some of the credibility out of it for me. I wanted a better final fight sequence; it was akin to Iron Man 2 in its abruptness. There was a huge buildup for this climactic battle, and I felt a bit let down.
So break out your 2D20 and get lost in this imaginative fantasy about a witch queen with an agenda that even the EPA could only dream about making a reality, and get lost in the memories of the days you used to dream about slaying foul creatures to save the world. I mean, what else would you be expecting here?
