The H-Bomb: Now for the fun part… with all the garbage I’ve been subjected to this year, I was initially going to make this a bottom twenty. But reliving all of those shitty, shitty movies proved to be far too arduous a task, so I’m doing a Bottom 10 instead. While I have no Michael Bay to kick around this year, I still managed to see ten movies that were worse than The Human Centipede 3, so I’m glad that Mr. Bay decided to take the year off, as he would’ve driven the crap factor through the roof.
Dishonorable Mentions: Area 51, Fifty Shades of Grey, Mortdecai, Man with the Iron Fists 2, Unfriended, The Cobbler, Return to Sender, The Human Centipede 3, Serena, Wild Horses, Terminator: Genisys, The Loft, Hitman: Agent 47, Poltergeist refake, The Gallows, Blackhat, The Stranger, Krampus (shut up, that movie sucked!)
As wretched as the films listed above are, they ain’t got nothing on the Ten down below:
10) Pan– Abandon all sense of wonder, ye who enter here. From Joe Wright, the inexplicably fawned upon director of such over-rated Oscar bait as Atonement and The Soloist, comes a Peter Pan origin story that nobody asked for. This boring, stagnant fantasy makes Neverland look like a colorless shit-hole, re-imagines Hook as some Indiana Jones-styled adventurer with a weird fucking voice, and yes, Black Beard (a hammy Hugh Jackman) and his sky pirates sing Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit… in a movie set during WWII. Mr. Wright, Tarantino can get away with shit like that, you can’t.
9) Hot Tub of Shit Time Machine 2– The first movie was so hilarious. The sequel is so not. So, so not. At all. John Cusack is MIA, the ever-grating Rob Corddry can’t carry a movie to save the skin on his dick, the script is a sloppy and lazy stream of shit and sex gags. The whole damn thing feels slapped together, and it is, for the most part, entirely devoid of laughs. I’ll confess I laughed a couple of times in spite of myself, but that’s because I was piss drunk when I watched it. Had I attempted to watch it sober, not only would I have not laughed once, I probably would have shut it off after twenty minutes. And this was made by the same director who made the original??? Say it ain’t so.
8) Fantastic Four– Proof that Marvel doesn’t always crap out gold nuggets, this misfired reboot is one of the worst comic book movies ever made. The first hour of this 99 minute movie is spent with our heroes, inside a facility building a teleportation device, and doing absolutely nothing heroic. When it finally turns into an action movie, in the final twenty minutes, it is way too little, way too late, and the special effects look like shit, to boot. A Fantastic Bore indeed.
7) Jupiter Ass-Ending– The Wachowskis attempted to launch a new sci-fi franchise in order to reclaim their old Matrix glory… they failed spectacularly. A dull, incomprehensible plot involving a space princess and intergalactic property disputes plays like a shittier version of The Phantom Menace. Eddie Redmayne should be thankful that Oscar voters didn’t see his embarrassing turn as the villain when they were considering him for Best Actor (which he stole from Michael Keaton). If Mila Kunis really loves dogs so much, then she should be happy, because she’s in one.
6) Survivor– For those who prefer their thrillers with no thrills. The vapid charisma vacuum that is Milla Jovovich must go on the run to clear her name (for reasons I can’t remember and don’t care enough to look up), while being pursued by ruthless assassin Pierce Brosnan. Brosnan is solid, but the movie itself is a sluggish, sleep inducing slog. Even at a slight 90 minutes, this thing felt fucking endless. By the time it’s over, you’ll be begging Brosnan to put a bullet through your head.
5) The Ridiculous Six– Here’s one for those who think that a burro spraying diarrhea on people is the height of hilarity. Adam Sandler has been synonymous with shit movies for years now, and while I avoided most of them, I can’t imagine any of them being any worse, or any less funny, than this Netflix funded fuck-stain of a western “comedy.” I never laughed once, I never even smiled once, and like with Hot Tub Time Machine 2, I was drinking. Sandler dragged a lot of his famous friends into this, and they all made fools of themselves, but none more so than Taylor Lautner, who went full retard, and gave a performance that makes his work in Twilight look Oscar worthy.
4) Vacation– Our editor, Rick Swift, rated this five stars out of five, and as much as I like Rick, sometimes I just don’t understand the man. This sequel/remake/reboot thing is tasteless, charmless, heartless, humorless… and doesn’t even deserve one star! Sure, the original Vacation got raunchy, but it also had heart, and charm, and actual humor! The new one’s idea of humor includes a deranged little psycho trying to suffocate his brother, and Chris Hemsworth strutting around with an over-sized dong in his shorts. Oh, and I almost forgot Christina Applegate throwing up all over her old sorority house. Hilarious, Rick, hilarious. This mean-spirited mess is entirely undeserving of the title it’s hijacked.
3) Hit Team– When a screwball, spoof comedy is good, it can become a classic (Airplane, Naked Gun). When it’s bad, it can become Hit Team. I give the filmmakers props for getting a movie made on obviously limited resources, but holy fuck, I wish more care was put into what they were making. The premise of two assassins forced to team up sounds promising, but the brain dead, witless script and the non-stop mugging from the leads make this indie comedy simply insufferable.
2) Toolbox Murders 2– The sequel to the remake of a slasher flick that few remember and even fewer liked… sounds like a winner. Some deranged freak likes to kill people and cut them up on a slab, while he makes another girl he kidnapped watch, as she sits in her own piss and vomit. Nice, huh? Oh, and Bruce Dern is in it… why??? Not even God can answer that one.
And without further ado, the WORST film of 2015 is…
1) Knock Knock– Who’s there? Eli Roth, trolling the movie going public. I’m not even an Eli Roth hater. I dug the hell out of his grisly cannibal tribe flick, The Green Inferno… and then he had to go and do this. I have never seen a film bask in its own cruelty as much as this vile home invasion dreck. It takes a delight in torturing its lead character, and we the audience suffer right along with him. Look up my review, if you must know more, because for the sake of my own sanity, I have blocked most of it out. It is the worst film of 2015, and given the amount cinematic shit I had to sludge my way through this year, that is saying a lot.
