The Grinch

Directed by: Yarrow “Dick?” Cheney, Scott Mosier
Written by: Michael The Sewer, Tommy Wisse… Swerdlow, and NOT Dr. Seuss
Cast: Benedict Cumberbuns, Cameron Seely, some other people

From the first time you hear the new Grinch speak, you are deflated with a kind of depressing realization that this film is going to suck. Master thespian, Cumberbatch delivers almost no personality in his performance. He is supposed to be evoking the great Boris Karloff – let’s face it, no one wants to evoke Jim Carrey these days. He’s cuckoo fucking bananas, but surely Benedict Cumberbatch could put some green, gooey, goodness into a rich, twisted voice? Nope!

What we get instead is akin to Mr. Rogers with an over tight turtleneck. So many other actors could have made this movie a thousand times better introducing actual personality into the voice. And I am actually a fan of Cumberbatch, but I will never be a fan of this portrayal of one of my all-time favorite Christmas characters.

There’s just too much noise in this film – NOISE NOISE NOISE – at one point I felt myself identifying with The Grinch. When I heard the near stroke-inducing modern version of The Grinch song by some twisted villain pretending to be a musician – I was immediately done with this movie.

Oh sure, it had moments of pure brilliance, mostly with the imaginative animation and world creating by Illumination. But it takes more than that to impress me. I need substance, even in a kid’s movie about the value of Christmas. And that message was poorly delivered in the end too.

So, the story is pretty much the same, only they do a little more delving into the background of how the Grinch became a royal prick. Thankfully they didn’t mess with Max too much, he’s still there, and they introduced one lovable plump reindeer named Fred who steals all the scenes.

What they did change though was a lot – they made Cindy Lou Who (Seely) the feisty, rebellious daughter of a single mom, who also had two twin brothers in tow. Spare me your social justice bullshit, please. At no point do we learn how Cindy Lou Who’s dad exited the picture. I guess, who cares, right? And here I thought Whoville was Utopia.

Anyway, Cindy Lou Who is upset because her mom works so hard, and actually that’s a noble thing and reminded me a bit of Emmett Otter. Where Emmett wants to get his mom something that will help her out, Cindy Lou Who just wants . . . well, it isn’t clear what she wants, just help for her mom in general. Her lack of direction is a metaphor for why this movie fails to impress. It tries too hard, like a child, but has no idea what makes it work.

Look, I liked some parts, I really liked how Kenan Thompson put his all into the Mr. Bricklebaum character, and he became a representation of all those crazed yulnatics (copyright, me, just now) – you know the people who wear tacky Christmas sweaters at the first drop of a leaf.

Maybe I am coming down too hard on this fine film, maybe I am just in a shitty mood myself. Or maybe I am on to something, and you should listen to me, because I set the bar very high when it comes to Dr. Seuss movies starring incredibly talented actors and put together by the people who gave us The Lorax, which I loved. So, yea, I am not thrilled with this film, but I have seen worse. And thankfully they didn’t pad it with a bunch of garbage to extend the run time, like the Carrey version.

I guess what irks me is you can’t just call yourself a Grinch story and change all the things that made the original great. A movie that didn’t have the benefit of tons of special effects or giant studio money . . . just a brief film about how a prick learns to love Christmas and a reminder to us that material gifts mean squat compared to gifts of the heart.

The Grinch was a fun movie, but it just kind of meandered to a conclusion that was less than stunning.