American Psycho + Taxi Driver = Less Than Zero
The H-Bomb: Christian (James Deen) is a sociopath, sex addicted, trust fund brat who is bankrolling a cheap horror movie, so that his dad “will get off his back” about doing something with his life. Ryan (Nolan Funk… oh Jesus) is a struggling model/actor who Christian has cast in the lead of his movie, as a favor to his assistant, Gina (Amanda Brooks), who is dating Ryan. Christian’s girlfriend is Tara (Lindsay Lohan), a failed actress/model who has given up on the Hollywood dream, and has shacked up with Christian because, as she herself puts it, she needs someone to take care of her.
Never mind that Christian gets his rocks off by inviting complete strangers over to fuck Tara, he takes care of her, which is all that really matters. Thing is, Tara used to date Ryan, and, in fact, they have recently started seeing each other again in secret. She wants to break it off with Ryan, but Ryan is kind of, sort of obsessed with her, and just refuses to let her go. Christian, the perceptive fellow that he is, suspects that Tara and Ryan have a thing going. However, instead of simply confronting them about it, he starts playing mind games with the both of them, like constantly questioning Tara about where she goes and what she does, and by getting the movie’s gay producer to indecently proposition Ryan.
Ryan slowly realizes, to an extent, what Christian is up to, and attempts to turn the tables on him. From there, the battle of (half) wits escalates into a tangled web of manipulation, deceit, betrayal, murder, and other such bullshit soap opera theatrics. The question one is left with at the end of all this is… who gives a fuck???
Bret Easton Ellis is best known as the author of American Psycho. Paul Schrader is best known as the screenwriter of Taxi Driver, and has directed such films as Auto Focus, Affliction, and American Gigolo. Both excel at creating dark characters and taking us the viewers deep inside their tortured psyches (Hell, Schrader once even turned Jesus Christ into a neurotic basket case), and when their powers combine, they create an absolute monstrosity. A disasterpiece of gargantuan proportions.
Funded, for the most part, with money from the e-begging mega-site, Kickstarter, The Canyons is nothing short of being a total fucking embarrassment for everyone involved. For Ellis, for Schrader, for the thousands of Internet idiots who donated the cash to finance this pretentious shit bomb, and especially for Lohan, for whom this was intended to serve as a “comeback vehicle.” Hell, even I feel embarrassed just for having watched it.
In a way, The Canyons is pure Ellis through and through. The protagonists that populate his screenplay are all self-absorbed, vain, materialistic, amoral, and just plain scummy. The drugs, the sex, and the hedonistic characters are present. What’s missing is the wit and satire that makes these characters, and this kind of material, palatable. As a result, the film is an excruciatingly dull, shallow, unpleasant look at some of the most excruciatingly dull, shallow, unpleasant people you could ever hope to never meet.
It’s so strange that I’m watching this so soon after that dreadful art house abortion, Adore, as The Canyons has so much in common with it; vapid, unlikable characters who do most of their thinking with their reproductive organs, some of the most un-sexy sex scenes you will ever see, and worst of all, a pretense of being provocative and pushing the envelope. Ellis and Schrader seem to think they’re making a profound statement about youth, wealth, and Hollywood in general. They’re not. What they’ve actually made is a boring movie about boring people who fuck each other (and fuck each other over) because they’re bored. That’s it! There are no new clothes on this emperor, folks, he is fucking naked!
What’s really sad is that things do get off to a solid start, with an opening scene that is actually almost clever, in which Christian and Tara (the rich couple) meet Ryan and Gina (the poor couple) for drinks. Ryan and Gina attempt to make conversation, but Christian and Tara are so fixated on their mobile devices that they’re barely even giving them the time of day. Even though the dialogue and performances were stilted as hell, it was still somewhat amusing, and had The Canyons continued along this scathingly comical path, they might have had something. Instead, it turns into a sleazy but sincere melodrama, and just becomes laughable.
At the center of this accidental laugh riot is Lohan, who gives a humdinger of a horrible performance. It was her behavior in real life that derailed her once promising career, and for years she’s been attempting her comeback. After being dropped from Lovelace, I’m sure this seemed as promising a vehicle as any. But good lord, she is just awful. Truly wretched. Tramping through the film like some drug addicted, ginger drag queen, she looks bad, she acts bad, she is fucking bad. The part where she breaks down crying while recalling a time in her life when she had to work for a living is the funniest thing I’ve seen in any movie in ages, and as for her nude scenes, the ones where she acted like she was doing us some huge favor by appearing in… you didn’t turn me on, Lindsay, you simply put me off… my food.
That there are two other major female characters, both of whom are infinitely more attractive than Lohan, yet both of the dudes in the film only have eyes for the fallen Disney princess, speaks volumes as to how utterly absurd this flick really is. Sadly, Ms. Lohan is not the only one to turn in a lousy performance, as just about everyone, from the ridiculously named Nolan Funk, to Gus Van Sant, who cameos as a shrink, is equally abysmal. Given the putrid script they had to work with, it would have been next to impossible to put in a decent outing, but even bearing that in mind, pretty much everyone blew. With one exception…
That one, single exception, the one member of the cast who actually puts in a decent turn is, and I shit you not, former porn-star-gone-legit James Deen. As the vile, duplicitous, and downright evil Christian (thanks for the obvious moniker, Ellis), he is pretty damn good. Incredibly snide, incredibly creepy, he made for one superbly nasty villain who I really wanted to see get hit by a speeding bus. Ultimately, he is hampered by the shitty writing– the “And Bam!” monologue he’s forced to spit out towards the end was beyond painful to listen to– but, all things considered, Deen showed real potential. I can only hope he gets a better showcase, and soon.
Aside from the surprisingly strong showing by Deen, does The Canyons have anything else going for it? Well… the cinematography by John DiFazio is rather nice. It’s gorgeous, actually, and makes the film look much more expensive than it’s reported $200,000 budget. But, if I just want to look at pretty pictures, I’ll pick up an issue of National Geographic. When it comes to movies, I need a little more, like a story that’s interesting, and characters who are worth investing in. Ellis and Schrader are usually experts at creating such things, but in this instance, their creativity came up short. Way short. As for Lohan, this ponderous dreck amounted to nothing more than a comeback fail. Better luck next time, Lindsay, better luck next time.
