“Santa has the exact same letters as Satan!”– Yes, someone actually says that.
Directed by: Darren Doane
Written by: This fucking thing had writers???
Starring: Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Bridgette Cameron
The H-Bomb: Kirk (Kirk Cameron) is attending a Christmas party at his sister’s house, when he notices that his brother-in-law, Christian (Darren Doane), seems rather perturbed, and is not partaking in the joyous goings-on around him. Kirk follows Christian to his car, asks him what the trouble is, and Christian lays it all out for him; he feels that the way they’re celebrating Christmas is all wrong, that it feels hollow and materialistic, with the trees, and the presents, and the Santa and whatnot.
It’s at this point that Kirk proceeds to defend every aspect of how we celebrate Christmas, by giving examples from the Bible, and history, in order to demonstrate that all this consumerism, and gaudy decorating, and food gorging is all good as far as JC is concerned, and that this is totally how he would want his followers to celebrate his birthday. What, you really thought Christmas was about peace on Earth, goodwill towards men, and all that other happy horseshit? Get with the fuckin’ program! Like the aliens in They Live, Jesus wants you to consume, consume, and consume some more…
Well, what can I say, my masochistic penchant for seeking out and watching notoriously bad movies has really bitten me in the ass this time. Holy Hell…
About a year ago, I reviewed Left Behind, a film about the Rapture starring Nicolas Cage (a remake of another Kirk Cameron crapfest), which I found inept on just about every conceivable level, and took great pleasure in ripping to shreds. Well, I must now admit, that I owe that movie an epic fucking apology, because as shitty as it was, it is Ben-fucking-Hur compared to Saving Christmas (or Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas), a “film” that is so atrociously written, shoddily directed, and heavy-handed with its message, that it takes the cake as being the most asinine piece of religious propaganda ever made.
In fact, this after Sunday school special doesn’t even qualify as a film. A film is supposed to have things like characters, dramatic conflict, as well as a little thing called a plot. We all know what a plot is, right? A series of events with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Left Behind had one of these, Saving Christmas does not. Saving Christmas is, for the bulk of its 69 minute running time (credits not included), nothing more than two men sitting in a car talking. That’s it… literally.
Christian (played by the film’s “director”, Doane), bitches and moans about how all of these indulgent, decadent practices, like having parties, exchanging gifts, and putting up Christmas trees, go against the “true meaning” of Christmas (whatever the hell that may be). And the points he makes are astonishingly retarded, like claiming that Christmas trees are pagan symbols, and that Santa is spelled with the same letters as Satan (implying that Santa is Satan… fucking seriously???) It’s after each point that our “hero,” Kirk Cameron of Growing Pains, harbinger of the Almighty, with a big shit-eating grin on his face, refutes all of Christian’s claims. Interspersed throughout their talk are flashback scenes that look like dramatic re-enactments from a History Channel documentary.
That is Saving Christmas in its entirety, two guys in a car, as one explains how materialism is the true meaning of Christmas, to the other. Upon hearing Kirk out, Christian has an epiphany, which causes him to go diving across his living room floor like it’s a water slide, and then start dancing, with his fellow party-goers, to a really shitty rap song (I’m talking like early 90’s bubble gum rap). All the while, watching from the front door, is Saint Kirk of Cameron, glowing in an ethereal white light, with that creepy, shit-eating grin plastered on his mug, satisfied in the knowledge that he has done His work. The end! You say I spoiled it? I say bullshit, there’s nothing here to spoil! This, again, is not a movie. This is Kirk Cameron giving a sermon on what he thinks Christmas is all about.
The opening scene, with Cameron sitting in front of a fire, sipping hot chocolate from an empty cup, while addressing the audience directly, lets us know, right off the bat, that we’re not going to be watching a story of any kind, we’re going to be subjected to a fucking lecture. It’s basically Michael Moore’s bullshit, except coming from the other side. Well, I don’t like being lectured. Not by that fat, manipulative, hypocritical sack of shit, and not by Cameron and his Evangelical nut-jobbery, either.
Take any bottom-of-the-barrel, crap-ass Christmas flick you have ever seen, be it Jingle All the Way, the Macaulay Culkin Nutcracker, or even the fucking Star Wars Holiday Special, and I will guarantee you that any one of them has more entertainment value than Saving Christmas. This is a picture made by people who have no concept of cinematic storytelling, whatsoever, and even at a scant hour and nine minutes, it is still an excruciating chore to sit through. Make no mistake, St. Cameron, you have not saved Christmas, at all… you have fucking murdered it.
