Well, I was admittedly, slightly shell-shocked . . .
Swift shot: Not safe for adults! Michael Bay does what he always does . . . blows shit up and “ruins everyone’s childhood.” Oh, spare me the mawkish pain, he just makes movies. If this version didn’t gel with your wonderful, charmed childhood, so what? Now, I must say right off the bat, the audio AND the 3D were off at my screening, so maybe you won’t be constantly trying to adjust your eyes, but I had to, along with everyone else in the theater with me. Trust me, don’t see this one in 3D – unless you like a hairy, bug-eyed giant rat’s nostrils right in your face, complete with the ridiculous Fu Manchu mustache.
I read the original Eastman and Laird graphic novels when I was in middle-school. And no version that has hit the mainstream has ever really come close as far as origin stories and the like. Much like Maleficent earlier this year, this is just another version of an “origin story” to consider.
I grew up watching the 80’s cartoons as well, and I probably enjoyed the film from that time-frame. Honestly, I don’t recall. And, I didn’t get back into the Ninja Turtles until I had a little turtle of my own, and now he and I watch the new Nick series (which is very good by the way – and offers something to ALL ages). I was stunned to see Nickelodeon put their name to Bay’s version, which is so dreadful in comparison.
Before I get into the story or what I liked about the film, let me get what was just plain out BAD about it, first. The turtles and Splinter are ugly, freakish monsters in every sense of the word. I guess if they were to really exist, they wouldn’t look so wonderful, so I let that one slide a bit. Shredder looks like a comic version of one of those Power Rangers villains, pretty much a direct knock-off in fact . . . think Mecha-Streisand! Much of the dialog was dreadful, it sounded like it was written by a ten year old with a crayon and a limited vocabulary. I was half-expecting to hear Shredder call one of the turtles a poopy-head!
These just aren’t the turtles you are looking for – there is just something off about all of them. The origin, when it is revealed is so cheesy that I think Michael Bay was getting revenge on Megan Fox for her “Hitler” comment by letting a very bad take of her trying not to laugh go to print. Errr, I mean, the director Johnathan Liebesman. I mean, this was a serious scene, and it was evident that Fox was fighting off a fit of laughter. In her defense, the dialog was just incredibly bad.
Also, there was no mention of Krang – what the hell, man?!?
Here’s what I liked about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was a fun film, when it was all said and done and I just sat back and said, ah, the hell with it . . . I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed Mikey (Noel Fisher) constantly hitting on April. I enjoyed the scenes with Vernon, also trying to get with her. I told myself before going to screen this that I wasn’t going to force any laughs, and every time I genuinely laughed, I jotted down in my notes what made me laugh. By the end of the night, I was over ten.
Honestly, I was expecting to not laugh once. Or rather laugh AT the film rather than with it. I did smile a lot and enjoyed the action sequences, and the special effects were solid, despite the crappy 3D we all had to endure. I cared about the characters’ plight, and I believed, at least somewhat, that they could exist. To a certain degree, if you are a fan of any ninja turtles version, you have to suspend a lot of disbelief – that’s just a given.
Here’s how this version of TMNT goes:
April O’Neill (Megan Fox) is a sexy tart who wants to be more than just on-screen candy, she wants to be taken seriously as a journalist in New York. Her cameraman, Vernon (Will Arnett) wants to, well, do what everyone wants to do with candy. By the way, the dialog involving who likes “candy” is when it occurred to me . . . ok, this film is for children or the incredibly vapid. “Even babies like candy” will go down as the dumbest line I have heard this year, easily!
Once that was established, I just sat back and put my IQ setting down a few clicks and got the ole drool bucket out so I could assume the right frame of mind to enjoy such a ridiculous film. [Swift aside: I was giving this film one goal, be better than Masters of the Universe, and, it was, at least, that] So, I did enjoy this film, once I set my expectations to the right dial. Brainless – check!
Splinter (Tony Shalhoub) is a rat that has been genetically altered, along with his four turtle sons, to prepare the world for a self-regenerating mutagen. The lab they were created in was destroyed when the turtles were just little dudes in the making. Splinter and his sons were saved by their spirit protector. I won’t spoil that gem. Anyway, they find refuge in the sewers of New York.
But now, the city lays under siege by the ancient Japanese Foot Clan, in this version they are more mercs than ninjas, in fact, not one of them is a ninja save for Shredder (Tohoru Masamune) and he is only sans Mecha-Streisand suit during two scenes. Shredder is working with a nefarious villain to release a toxin over the city, very similar to The Amazing Spider-Man, but not to make everyone a reptile . . . oddly enough. No, this toxin will just cover them in blisters and kill them! Once Shredder and his pupil have developed this toxin, they intend to ransom the antidote (in carefully negotiated doses) to the highest bidder, and this will assure they have power and control over the population.
Thing is, all the materiel to create the antidote was destroyed, years ago, in a lab! Or was it? Yea, you guessed it, the turtles and Splinter have the key to the antidote running through their veins. That’s a problem that Shredder and his greedy accomplice have a final solution for – eliminate the turtles. Needless to say, April and Vernon and Splinter and the Turtles must figure out a way to survive and save the city, and somehow keep their existence under wraps . . . of various colors.
The action-packed fight sequences are great – I don’t care if you disagree. I felt every bump and crunch. Some of the action took place a bit abruptly, and as a result I wasn’t able to focus fast enough to catch some of it. Think shaky-cam in combat for what it was like. Also, even though it was a touch cheesy, I enjoyed the brotherly loyalty displayed by the turtles. That is key to any successful ninja turtle film.
I heard Megan Fox said any critics that didn’t like this film could “Fuck off!” Well, I didn’t hate this film completely, but it certainly wasn’t a “good film” by any stretch of the imagination. My six year old, though, will probably love every freakin’ minute of it! TURTLE POWER!
