Valentine’s Day

Love hurts… and so does this movie.

The H-Bomb: From Garry Marshall, the edgy, inventive, fiercely independent director of such gritty, avant-garde fair as “Runaway Bride”, “The Princess Diaries”, and “Pretty Woman” comes his most shocking, controversial film to date… “Valentine’s Day”; the riveting story of several diverse characters who cross paths on… Valentine’s Day. (Think “Crash“ revamped as a broad, clichéd, and mostly unfunny romantic comedy, and you basically have this film)

I’ll level with you, I hate chick flicks on general principle, and I hate Valentine’s Day because I’m forced to think about all the good looking guys in the world who are getting laid while I’m not. So, when those two elements are combined, for me it basically results in a gigantic shit sandwich seasoned with vomit sauce.

Director Marshall really doesn’t help matters since it seems that he set out to make the “Magnolia” of romantic comedies. Allow me to just briefly go over the cast of characters with you; we have a male florist who isn’t gay (credibility goes out the window right there); a schoolteacher in love, a cheating doctor, a bitter sports reporter, an aging football star with a secret in his… closet, a publicist throwing an anti-Valentine’s Day party, a fledgling actress who works as a receptionist and moonlights as a phone sex “entertainer,” some underachieving dweeb who thinks that Valentine’s always falls on a Thursday, a couple of horny teenagers, a horny first grader (!), a horny elderly couple (!!!), Taylor Swift playing the most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, the guy who played Jacob in the “Twilight” movies playing the second most gratuitously gratuitous character in cinematic history, and Queen Latifah playing… Queen Latifah (not literally, but basically).

This film went off the rails for me very early on when Ashton Kutcher (an actor I can’t stand) proposes to Jessica Alba (an actress I can’t stand) and she says “Yes.” The very thought of these two people who annoy the piss out of me getting married and breeding sent my Shitty-Ass-Fuck-Suck tolerance meter through the roof and just put me in a very negative mood from the outset. Sadly, the movie did far too little to improve my mood for the duration.

For the first act of the film, everybody was just breezing around an unnaturally bright and sunny L.A. with big, perky smiles plastered on their faces. Everyone in the flick seemed so Goddamn content and happy with their perfect little lives, giving each other hugs, kisses, and creepy little plastic hearts with feet that walk around when you wind them up, that I started to wonder, “Is there gonna be a movie here? Or is this just a two hour commercial for Valentine’s Day?” Alas, drama starts to unfold in the second act as the characters find out that their perfect little lives aren’t as perfect as they thought they were.

During these moments, characters get all teary eyed while over-bearing music plays on the soundtrack. You know the kind of music that sitcoms play when a rare serious dramatic scene occurs, that kind of music that condescendingly tells you “Okay, this is a sad part, feel sad“… that’s the kind of music I’m talking about here. But, with absolutely no interest in straying from predictable, formulaic convention, Marshall has everything wrap up all nice and tidily and gives everyone a happy ending… the kind that only ever happens in the movies .

Now, I know I sound like some bitter, romantically challenged curmudgeon on a tirade, and I am. However, I would be lying if I said there aren’t some bright spots in this film. I liked George Lopez as a no nonsense flower delivery man, Hector Elizondo brought his A game as a man who still deeply loves his wife after a half century of marriage (despite the fact that he easily has the worst line in the film, “Now that I know the truth, everything else feels like a lie.” Uggghhhh), I can watch Anne Hathaway do just about anything and be somewhat interested (and aroused), Jennifer Garner gives a speech towards the end that is downright hilarious, and there are several amusing moments sprinkled throughout that almost rise to the level of funny.

When all is said and done, however, I just found it dull, ripe with cliché, and at times excruciating to sit through (I really had to resist the urge to throw my soda cup at the screen and shout obscenities at Taylor Swift’s annoying, dumbass, bimbo Barbie doll of a character and her stupid fucking over-sized teddy bear). The whole movie is just so sugary and syrupy that I felt like I needed to brush my teeth after watching it. Worst of all, it goes on for-fucking-ever, mainly because there are so many damn characters! I felt like my least favorite holiday was unfolding before my eyes, in real time… slowly.

Judging from the reaction of the people I saw it with, I may very well be in the minority here, and I’m sure it will make some major bank, but for me, the over-the-top cutesy-cutesy-happy-happy-sweetness of it all made me just want to stab out my eyeballs and puncture my eardrums so I wouldn’t have to endure any more of it. If I want to watch a movie named after a holiday, I’ll take “Halloween” and “A Christmas Story”, thank you very much.