“For you women, these rules don’t apply to you . . . just like everything else in life.”
Directed by: Chris Nickin
Cast: Rick Dawson, Rob Fender, Brian Titus, Jonathan Alderman
Swift shot: Screwball comedy with enough dick jokes to offend the whiniest of #AntiGamerGaters! Another indie flick that I was requested to review, guerrilla-style, shot on a low-budget, seemingly with a group of friends who clearly look like they enjoyed making this whack-job comedy about a bunch of losers that start a tetherball league . . . of their own.
Writer Rick Dawson plays Zach, a “never was” small time boxer who has given up on success, and is mildly content working for FoulMouth Shirts in Flint, Michigan. FoulMouth is a NET company that sells over-the-top, obscene t-shirts with clearly off-script direct calling methods. If you’ve ever been in a job where you have to sell shit on the phone, you’ll enjoy their selling antics. Zach has a sort of sidekick in his furry banging bromosexual, Alex (Rob Fender). Alex gets to have the most fun in this film. In one scene in particular, Alex is correcting a chick he is banging on her purring style!
They are joined by Mike (Jonathan Alderman) who is constantly drunk, yet he is swimming in topless chicks who delight in bouncing on his junk. They all work at the shirt place for Joe (Brian Titus) who has had a stick up his ass most of his life. Joe isn’t a bad guy, he just tries too hard to be liked. One drunken stupor leads Zach to a playground where he’s discovered he is actually pretty good at tetherball. Just go with it! So, he manages to get the attention of some sleazy investors, led by Jack White (Ron Jeremy). White is all too eager to help out this young stud, Zach. Of course, there’s a catch – White just wants to pop Zach’s chili ring.
With a backstory centering around a father who has given up on him, and a girl who has always played hard to get, Zach manages to become a bit of a celebrity as he easily advances through the tetherball ranks and becomes the literal poster boy for the new league. As the stakes get all too real, Zach and his idiot friends navigate the treacherous tetherball circuit. Ha, yea, I am busting your balls a bit there. Who said I can’t have fun? My site; my rules.
There is a short cameo wedged in with Dustin Diamond as their coach, and Diamond is abrupt, yet effective. He certainly had my favorite (most believable) cut away animation, which was used a few times in the film to move the story along. Nothing wrong with crude animation to keep the pace and transition, hell, Monty Python did it all the time. And, it works in a film like this.
In the end, there is a final playoff match that will determine the fate of Zach, his friends, and the league itself.
I really enjoyed the music in Tetherball: The Movie, it was hard and rough with a real metal attitude. What I didn’t care for was the montage work showing the “action” on the . . . court? Ring? I don’t know, whatever you fucking call the place people play tetherball. It left a lot of room for improvement. They had a good concept, but the execution just wasn’t there. Imagine if they had actually pulled off a film showing a convincing dramatic couple of matches of tetherball.
Still, while Director Chris Nickin has a long way to go before he’ll be taken seriously, he shouldn’t be disheartened by criticism. And there is something to be said for creating something, shooting it, putting it out there to be ripped to shreds. Remember, Kevin Smith’s Clerks was pretty fucking raw too but didn’t have the sack to show solid nudity. These days, you make a film like this, you’re going to be thrashed by idiot “critics” who forgot how to have fucking fun!
Look, folks, every mood demands a different spice, and movies like this do serve a puerile need to laugh at people being stupid. Let’s face it, were it still around, USA’s Up All Night would be the perfect place to plop this flick. Tetherball: The Movie is not afraid to tap into good old ’80s Tits and Ass deployment in this soft-core “jiggle flick,” as my dad used to call these.
Can I see this flick making it to Comedy Central? Perhaps, it certainly has the cult-following genre in its sights. Will this flick inspire you to start a new tetherball league in your city? Probably not, but stranger shit has happened. I mean, Michael Moore has a fucking Oscar, so anything is possible! This film is bound to piss off “The Offended,” so for that they get major props. Now, on a more serious note, where can we buy some of those porn socks? I need a pair to go with my assault rifle Odd Sox.
