How the west wasn’t fun.
The H-Bomb: If there’s one thing I should give Hollywood props for, it’s their refusal to let the western die, as it is a truly great genre. However, if there’s one thing I wish they would learn, it’s that westerns tend to make for lousy summer blockbusters. Bombs like Wild Wild West and Jonah Hex should have taught them that lesson, but alas, now we have The Lone Ranger, a mega-budget revival of the classic western hero, brought to us by producer Jerry Bruckheimer (if that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is). Now, I have to admit, I’m a total Lone Ranger virgin, as I’ve never seen the TV series or any of the past films, but somehow, I think it’s safe to assume that this bloated revamp is nothing short of a complete bastardization of the source material.
As this is a “modern take” on an old character who is probably considered too cheesy to play straight, the movie goes the nudge-nudge, wink-wink ironic route… meaning it basically makes fun of it. The righteous, masked hero (Armie Hammer) is transformed into a clumsy, bumbling dolt, who is the butt of many “stupid white man” jokes by his Native American sidekick, Tonto (top billed Johnny Depp). This incarnation of Tonto is a spastic, delusional oddball with a penchant for embellishment. In other words, it’s Johnny Depp doing his (rather stale) eccentric Johnny Depp thing, cracking wise while feeding seeds to the dead bird resting atop his head… a joke that was funny the first four of five times, but after the ninetieth time, it got a little old.
In keeping with the whole “modern” approach, director Gore Verbinski and his posse of screenwriters take a basic western story, the Lone Ranger tracking down the filthy outlaw (William Fichtner) who killed his brother, and over-complicate it by shoehorning in a whole lot of hooey about some conspiracy involving a railroad tycoon (Tom Wilkinson) plotting to steal silver from Indian territory. This conspiracy ties back into Tonto’s past, and why he’s so keen on helping the masked ranger track down the “Wendigo,” but like most of the filler stuffed into this flick, it’s for the most part entirely uninteresting, and only helps to inflate the film to an ungodly, uncalled for two-and-a-half hour running time.
That, coincidentally, was a huge issue I had with the first film Verbinski and Depp made together, Pirates of the Caribbean, an overly labored plot that went on for too Godamn long. But, while Pirates managed to be mostly fun in spite of that, The Lone Ranger is not. Not even remotely. It is an unbelievably boring slog of a movie that trudges along at the speed of a three-legged burro and is devoid of any kind of spark or energy whatsoever.
Even worse than the leaden pacing, is that this film that has no idea what it wants to be, with a tone that shifts drastically, and jarringly, throughout. At times, it’s very lighthearted, with Depp up to his typical quirky antics. At others, it turns surprisingly grim, like the violent ambush scene in which a man’s heart is cut out of his chest and eaten! Excuse me, Mr. Verbinski? Mr. Bruckheimer? Were you guys going for Blazing Saddles or Unforgiven, here? I’d rather watch either Blazing Saddles or Unforgiven. Hell, I’d rather watch a play through of Red Dead Redemption on YouTube.
And that brings back me to my main beef with The Lone Ranger, it just isn’t any fun at all. It promises early on to be a grand old time, but it soon goes completely flat and drags on needlessly for the better part of three hours. That is absolutely, positively un-fucking-forgiveable. The shame of it all is that the climax features an incredible, over-the-top train chase with the Ranger riding Silver on top of the train, guns blazing, and the William Tell Overture blasting at full volume. I thought to myself, “Finally, signs of life! It’s just too bad that it took us over two hours to get here.” And that indeed is the problem, the climax is fantastic, but everything that comes before it is dull, plodding bullshit.
The more I think about The Lone Ranger, the more sorry I feel for Armie Hammer. He was so good as the Winklevi in The Social Network, and here, he managed to make an engaging lead, despite a script that tried to make him look like an utter and complete buffoon at every turn. I can tell from watching him in this that he seriously has the chops, the charisma, and the potential to be a great star, he just needs that one breakout role to set him on that path. Sadly, The Lone Ranger just simply isn’t it.
